I'm fearful. I am afraid of going to the hospital. I was told that any self-mutilation will lead to such fate, especially if it would be within the next four weeks. I promised for four weeks not to cut myself, and I intend to keep that promise. After the four weeks, I'm free to slice and dice. I cannot wait. I've been out of the hospital for over 48 hours now and I still have not left the house. Why do people find that so difficult to believe? Perhaps it's because most people leave the house at least once a day. I'm not sure. I've been known to go for days on end without being outside the front door. Tonight I am going out. I am going to see a movie with my boyfriend, Toby. I feel like I'm rambling on about instances that are so pathetically uninteresting to any potential readers that I'll just drive everyone out of my life on a permanent basis upon first impression. I tend to do so upon every chance. Every single time that a potential friend happens to come along and think that I'm worth wasting time on figures out within a few minutes that I'm not. I don't wish to come across the wrong way, but sometimes a deeper part of me longs for friends. I'd love to experience such a thing. I have friends over the internet. But that's all that I will ever have. Sad, but true. I'm afraid of death. Afraid of life. There is no middle ground. I fear existence, but also the lack of it, and wonder if there is another world. Religion is questionable for me. I believe in God [or some higher power] but I do not have a specific religion. My beliefs are far too various for that. However, I am quite clear about my beliefs. I am upset at my father. He wouldn't buy me pads the other day when I needed them, but he bought beer. And he wouldn't loan me the money to go to a movie tonight when he's encouraging me to partake in something remotely normal. He just tells me to borrow from someone else. I don't borrow. Only from my parents. As much as they've worked to break down the thin barrier surrounding my weak mentality, they are still the ones who I depend on, and always will. I'm fragile... I love them.

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